Bra Personalities

- Bandeau Bra: You’re confident.



- Underwire Bra: You understand compromise.



- Built-In Bra: You value convenience.



- Convertible Bra: It’s important to you to keep your options open.



- Padded Bra: You’re pragmatic.



- Sheer Bra: People fall in love with you too easily.



- Push-Up Bra: You’re very, very tricky.



- Hanes Racerback Bra: You didn’t expect to hook up tonight.



- Victoria’s Secret Racerback Bra: You wanted it to look like you didn’t expect to hook up tonight.



- Demi Bra: You’re hot.



- Front Hook Bra: I’m not saying it means anything. I’m just saying that the ease with which another person can take it off might have crossed your mind.



- Minimizer Bra: You’re modest.



- T-Shirt Bra: You’re just, like, casually chillin’. It’s whatevs.



- No Bra: No one’s going to tell you what to do. Not even your breasts.



- Corset: You’re a biter. And kind of a nerd.



- Playtex 18 Hour Bra: You’re one of the pretty ladies who works at the bank. It’s also 1986 and I have a giant crush on you.



- Bullet Bra: There is such a thing as being way too into “Mad Men.”



- Maternity Bra: You’re, um, pregnant?



- Shelf Bra: You’re kinky. Or you just didn’t know they were supposed to cover your whole boob.



- Water Bra: You don’t really know about… stuff.



- Seashell Bra: If it’s Halloween, you’re dressed up as the Little Mermaid. Hot! If it’s not Halloween, you had terrible parents.



- Coconut Bra: You’re a virgin. Who narrowly escaped sacrifice by way of being-thrown-into-a-volcano and didn’t have time to change

Diagnosis: Non-Boogery Sinusitis

For the past week I have had a headache. Not a "OMGF*CKINGSHOOTME" headache. More like a 'ahem... you there? you awake? you are now" type of headache. A WEEK. So I have decided to cure everything else in my system - only to still have a damn headache.

I have Imitrex but I am a big puss when it comes to actually injecting it. I usually sit on the toilet, aiming power-injector at thigh. Why on the toilet? Because I know I am going to piss myself at the first little sense of burning in the leg. Well, all that and the migraine med didn't work. My Geekqual David comes home to see me reclined on the couch, big square ice pack on the face. "You alright?" he asks tenderly. My response was close to a hungry lion howl on the Serengeti.

Now we have moved on to BC Powder http://www.bcpowder.com/ . I call it snort-able aspirin. Wait - you aren't supposed to... errrr... anyway. It's powdered pain killer with a healthy dose of caffeine mixed in. Tastes like powdered coffee creamer gone wrong. It comes in this rolling paper sorta (way too much knowledge on drug culture here). Just a note- HAVE FLUID AT HAND! This is some foul stuff! Slam the drink right afterward! I tell you this as a friend! BTW , It works for appx 15 minutes.

Now we raid the medicine cabinet. Xanax, Motrin, Sinex, some leftover Midol, Flexeril, and a lonely Vicodin from days gone by. I want a Pez dispenser for this stuff. I am going to rattle as I walk. But the headache is STILL there. According to the side effects from various meds, I should be pooping, constipated, sleepy, wired and just plain fun. Hand me a drink and let's get this party started.

Yesterday I broke down and went into Urgent Care. Now we recently moved from New Lisbon (aka Armpit), WI to the civility of Plover. Look Ma! No Amish buggies outside the hospital! So I get in there and here comes "Dr. Bob". He actually looked like Bob Fosse- dead Broadway dude. I am waiting on him to say "TaDaaaaaaaaa!" and do the Double Dream Hands routine. After he pokes in my ears, throat, raps on my forehead (ok OUCH Muthaf****!) he diagnoses me with "Non-Boogery Sinusitis". What? Did he actually say Non Boogery? Mmmhmmm He did. I guess that is a new way of saying I am not blowing snotsies everywhere. Antibiotics and (after a couple of whimpers on my part) some pain meds.

Now I need to take my Non-Boogery Sinusitis to the pharmacy in the hospital. I swear it's in another area code. I have worked up a sweat and a thirst by the time I make it there. Ohhhh and this is a churchy hospital. There are crosses and 'inspirational' things everywhere. "Go to the stained glass window and go left". Just so you know, for future reference or something- stained glass + sunlight = OWWW My EYESSSS!. I finally find the pharmacy and the drugonista is just the sweetest thing ever. I refrained from growling at her. At this time, I spy *drummroll* an Espresso Bar! In the Hospital! All these cookies and energy bars and caffeine - lovely caffeine! "Why Yes Ma'am! I will have a LARGE Turtle Soy Latte with an extra shot of Goddesses Nectar!" Thought of possibly grabbing some granola for my long trek back to the parking garage near the Urgent Care but I am a trooper and I had on hiking flip-flops so all is good.

So moral of story - Non Boogery Sinusitis is now a real medical condition. We will know in 10 days if the antibiotic works. BTW- This medication is also used for bacterial infections (sinus, skin, lung, urinary tract, ear, and throat). It may also be used to treat Lyme disease and gonorrhea. I am headed out to the woods so I can sit on a non -papered toilet seat - I got this covered!

Ass Flavored Coffee

For Gods sake, someone get the coffee beans in order! I can pick up 3 bags of the SAME kind of coffee beans and each bag will taste different. I am currently choking my way throughout the ass flavored beans. I know there is someone in Columbia that is laughing and rubbing their asses on the coffee beans as they pick them. "Reeeech Amedican Preeeecks! Ju chood be buyings our other national gross products!" (That's as good as it gets for an accent via font). First bag was decent: I drank, I pooped, I conquered. 2nd bag wasn't too bad either. Not this one. By the way, adding MORE coffee to the grinder does NOT make it taste better. Now you ave ass flavored MUD! The water is filtered, the pot is clean and it isn't one of those super Bunn's that spews out coffee in less than 12 seconds. It's a REAL coffee maker! ("Real" meaning it cost less than rent on an oceanfront condo in Miami) I am getting ready to write a nastygram to the Eight O' Clock Bean people:

Dear Coffee People-

What gives? Is someone asleep at the selection table? It's bad enough you have already jacked up the price of the 12oz bag over a DOLLAR in the past couple of months but now you feel the need to subject me to ASS? I demand French Roast NOW!

Sincerely - Woman in need of severe Rejavafication

Wonder if that will get results.

It's MAY already????

My baby girl turned 20 on the 2nd! Happy Birthday PunkyNoodles! (On just a side note- The last time I had posted she had turned 20. She is 21 now!)

Let see what has been going on to tilt the tiara.

Migraines- Holy store bought guacamole Batman! I have never dealt with these gems on a regular basis in the past. An occasional 'you are getting on my nerves' brain-pain once in a while, that's about it. Something about laying in bed with a mask on, cursing those HUGE bedroom windows you fell in love with when you first looked at the apartment. Eating Exedrin like they are albino Skittles. Asking anyone and anything around you to please strap down pillows to their feet. (Note: Cats tend to fall off stuff in this state) Finally a trip to see my P.A. Which means a trip to the good old BingBong Tube (aka MRI machine). Now let me get this straight. My head hurts. My head hurts SO bad that I am vomiting someone else's dinner. Yet the way to see WHY it hurts is to stick my head in a Hannibal Lechter face cage that makes LOUD noise for 45 minutes??? After 15 minutes, you realize "I can dance to this" and you start dreaming of trips to Fiji for some tribal drum music. So out of nowhere, the Darth Technician comes through on the microphone right behind you (messing up your groove) and says - "Have you ever had a head injury?" I nearly pissed myself. I mentioned the head lump I had removed about 6 yrs ago (Sebaceous cyst). He makes scary hmmm-ing sounds. End result? I have migraines (WELL DUH????) Why? Unknown..... sigh..... So my doc decides I am going to start a regimen of Topamax ( http://www.topamax.com/topamax/index.html ) Yay! OK, so I yay'd til my doc and she said - It causes some people to 'get dumb'. Uhmmmmm Meaning? Meaning they sorta kinda lose track of what they are talking about, forget things, stuff like that. To me, that's normal crap that comes with age- no biggy. Then I spoke to someone else, and she had nicknamed the drug Dope-a-Max- for the very same reason. Oh Joy! But so far, it has been a week and I have yet to have another migraine experience. Wish me luck!!!

And how have YOU been?

9 Words women say (and men should fear)

(1) "Fine": This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) "Five Minutes": If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) "Nothing": This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) "Go Ahead": This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) "Loud Sigh": This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) "That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) "Thanks": A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) "Whatever": Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!

(9) "Don't worry about it, I'll do it": Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Fanilow

I have a love-hate relationship with Barry Manilow.

Look at him. He is every Jewish mothers dream. He is clean, polite, well dressed, successful and probably not interested in the JAP's. I hate him because of all these reasons. He is too clean, too cheesey, a parody of himself. Ultimate Vegas lounge act- 2 drink minimum. Hordes of unwashed polyester-wearing masses flocking to see him, buckets of nickles jangling. And the fact that if you even THINK of humming along to one of his tunes and a hip friend hears you- you face a lifetime of geekdom. If "Even Now" were played on the radio right now (AS IF) I could probably remember all of the lyrics without much trouble..and would probably sing along if nobody else was around. Supermarkets use BM on the music system, a subliminal message in every song - "Buy more Stove-Top!".

That brings me to why I love Barry Manilow. You can't say that you haven't sang along with him. Before you could even write cursive, you were singing along with "I Write The Songs" ... and loudly too. No, my daughter is NOT named after his song "Mandy" but she will grin everytime she hears the song. I must say though that the man has some talent and the fact that he is still working and still singing blows my mind…how old IS he? I call him Twinkie-Man, because like a Hostess Twinkie, he has no expiration! He will go on forever, selling out stadiums (ok, pushing it) *ahem* small venues everywhere. Now - the big question - would I go see him in concert? I dunno. That would sorta be like telling your kids friends that you have 2nd row tickets to see Yanni....You want to look cool but face being ostracized for life. Ya, I would go see him, telling people "oh the tickets were free." And once the lights went down and Barry started warbling, I would be the ultimate Fanilow....

(exits while singing Copa Cabana......)

Welcome to 47

My last blog stated I was going to get a surprise for my 47th birthday.
The day woke us up with bright and beautiful sunshine pouring thru the windows. Granted, it was later than we had planned. David had wanted to LEAVE the house by 6. Not happening! After coffee and all that morning chick stuff, we left at 845. He still wouldn't tell me where we were headed. Walked outside and it was -3. UGH! But I put on a happy smile as I LOVE adventures!

Now remember I am the person who , as a child, had to peek in not only my own gifts but everyone else also. So an unknown thing like this is a biggy for me! We grabbed some Karuba coffee and I realized - I need a new coffee traveler. Amazing when you hit a point in your life where all you can think of wanting for a gift is a coffee mug!

We hopped on the freeway , headed east. And East we went... forever.... If you know the 90/94 thru this area, you will understand the E/W vs N/S thing. To ME- We are going South, as I figure Madison is south of me. But the freeway says East. So I just figure we are going down-state. 30 miles later, I need coffee and I need to pee. We stop in Poynette. There was this 'person' that I wanted to run up to, grab nether regions and yell Gender Check! I don't know if it was the baggy clothes, the Carrot-Top hair or the bandanna. I tried to get a pic but it kept glaring at me. Hmmmft.


So now we are all caffeined and gassed up and happy! We keep driving, throwing bits n pieces of useless trivia at one another while trying to avoid anything country on the radio. We pass Madison... OK, there went THAT theory! Now we pass the cut off to Milwaukee. I guess Brew-Town is out too! So we continue our trip south (or East!!). I am thinking - Woo hooo Janesville! Now if you have ever been to Janesville- ONE redeeming quality- Fuddruckers! Thank goodness we kept driving....and driving... and driving!


So now I am thinking - hmmmm.... Medieval Times! Wooohoooo Me!! In all my wenchy goodness! We pass it by.... hmmmm But by now I have to pee....again.... age and caffeine do wonders to your body! So David says - OK - we will stop here.... Woodfield Mall. Ever been to Woodfield? It should have its own area code. Growing up in California, I was a total Mall Rat- OMG Totally the Galleria!!!!! This place was HUGE! I mean - BIG! It's somewhat like I knew I had lived in small towns for a long time when I just stood there in awe. I want to wander! But Captain Urinator is still knocking on my bladder. Suddenly, I realize that there are 5 BILLION kids in the mall. All sizes.... EVERYWHERE! Yelling, screaming, flipping hair, texting the person next to them. It's lunch time. They are like wild animals. I am ready to cry. I spot the LEGO store. David is salivating. Told him to hold his drool til after I pee. Peeing in the freezing cold bathroom of a Mc D's with children howling. I come out, grab him and we make a break for the exit before I go into Mommy-mode and slap a few monsters.


We stroll up to the LEGO store. That's NOT Lego's. It's LEGO brand building bricks (don't you feel informed now?) For those that don't know it, David was once the largest LEGO collector in Wisconsin. We venture into the LEGO store and I can honestly say I was completely amazed. I don't know if it was the sets with 5 million pieces or the wall of 10 million pieces (all color coordinated, of course!) that got me! And the hap-Hap-HAPPIEST clerks on Earth! There are LEGO blocks, T Shirts, and just all sorts of things! Including LEGO sheep. Some of you know my buddy Kevin and his 'affection' for sheep. Now if they only made LEGO condoms, his life would be swell!


David decided he 'needed' a couple of figurines. Little LEGO men. Maybe to protect the castles in the office here. Lo and Behold- DIY Little Man area (please note that has nothing to do with sex!!)

As you can tell by his face he was like a little kid.... then sorta man-snarled at me when I asked how many little men he wanted. You can make a customized 3-pack for like 10 bucks. Now everything is all organized...bodies, heads, hats, doodads....until you get the KFH (kid from hell) mixing up all the pieces together. Even the store clerk told the KFH she was making his life alot harder. Kid scampered off with her heavily eyeliner'd and tattooed mama to make someone elses life hell for awhile.

So now we are headed out to somewhere else, and Medieval Times is somewhere behind us on the 290 (shot THAT idea all to hell!) He says - OK hunny, I want to take you downtown! I'm excited! WooHooMe! And then he merged into traffic. HOLY CRAP! For someone who grew up in LA, you would think I could handle a freeway! Not even close! I was clutching the Jeebus-Strap, slamming my eyes shut and praying to God's I didn't even know existed. David lived in Chicago for years so this was nothing new to him! I am now an official small town dork! So when I wasn't squeezing my eyes shut, I did get a couple of giggles on license plates-

The red car... I wonder if her first name is Vah? The 2nd one.... Not even going to ask!!!!

Somewhere out there is the Brookfield Zoo- This I know because there are probably 7 million signs for it. I don't know why, but Zoo's and Winter just don't seem to mix. Smart animals would be hibernating. Smart PEOPLE would be hibernating! So we are taking the tour of David's old stomping grounds and all of a sudden, he pulls into this Brokerage firm parking lot. I'm thinking "He got me stocks?" I looked over in time to see him make 'O' face and say "Nick's is GONE?!?!?!" Well, unless Nick did VERY well in Business, I would say that's a YES! OK, David is super disappointed because he wanted to bring me all the way to Chi-Town for a REAL Chicago hot dog! And if you must know.... I LOVE HOT DOGS!!!! I made all the appropriate chick sounds ("aww hunny, it's OK, it's the thought. etc") So we cruised around the area a bit and Lo and Behold.... HEY VIVS!!!!!!

This is David's Happy Italian Beef Face!

As you can tell by the pics, we just about licked our paper baskets clean!

Stay tuned for part 2