Bra Personalities

- Bandeau Bra: You’re confident.



- Underwire Bra: You understand compromise.



- Built-In Bra: You value convenience.



- Convertible Bra: It’s important to you to keep your options open.



- Padded Bra: You’re pragmatic.



- Sheer Bra: People fall in love with you too easily.



- Push-Up Bra: You’re very, very tricky.



- Hanes Racerback Bra: You didn’t expect to hook up tonight.



- Victoria’s Secret Racerback Bra: You wanted it to look like you didn’t expect to hook up tonight.



- Demi Bra: You’re hot.



- Front Hook Bra: I’m not saying it means anything. I’m just saying that the ease with which another person can take it off might have crossed your mind.



- Minimizer Bra: You’re modest.



- T-Shirt Bra: You’re just, like, casually chillin’. It’s whatevs.



- No Bra: No one’s going to tell you what to do. Not even your breasts.



- Corset: You’re a biter. And kind of a nerd.



- Playtex 18 Hour Bra: You’re one of the pretty ladies who works at the bank. It’s also 1986 and I have a giant crush on you.



- Bullet Bra: There is such a thing as being way too into “Mad Men.”



- Maternity Bra: You’re, um, pregnant?



- Shelf Bra: You’re kinky. Or you just didn’t know they were supposed to cover your whole boob.



- Water Bra: You don’t really know about… stuff.



- Seashell Bra: If it’s Halloween, you’re dressed up as the Little Mermaid. Hot! If it’s not Halloween, you had terrible parents.



- Coconut Bra: You’re a virgin. Who narrowly escaped sacrifice by way of being-thrown-into-a-volcano and didn’t have time to change

Diagnosis: Non-Boogery Sinusitis

For the past week I have had a headache. Not a "OMGF*CKINGSHOOTME" headache. More like a 'ahem... you there? you awake? you are now" type of headache. A WEEK. So I have decided to cure everything else in my system - only to still have a damn headache.

I have Imitrex but I am a big puss when it comes to actually injecting it. I usually sit on the toilet, aiming power-injector at thigh. Why on the toilet? Because I know I am going to piss myself at the first little sense of burning in the leg. Well, all that and the migraine med didn't work. My Geekqual David comes home to see me reclined on the couch, big square ice pack on the face. "You alright?" he asks tenderly. My response was close to a hungry lion howl on the Serengeti.

Now we have moved on to BC Powder http://www.bcpowder.com/ . I call it snort-able aspirin. Wait - you aren't supposed to... errrr... anyway. It's powdered pain killer with a healthy dose of caffeine mixed in. Tastes like powdered coffee creamer gone wrong. It comes in this rolling paper sorta (way too much knowledge on drug culture here). Just a note- HAVE FLUID AT HAND! This is some foul stuff! Slam the drink right afterward! I tell you this as a friend! BTW , It works for appx 15 minutes.

Now we raid the medicine cabinet. Xanax, Motrin, Sinex, some leftover Midol, Flexeril, and a lonely Vicodin from days gone by. I want a Pez dispenser for this stuff. I am going to rattle as I walk. But the headache is STILL there. According to the side effects from various meds, I should be pooping, constipated, sleepy, wired and just plain fun. Hand me a drink and let's get this party started.

Yesterday I broke down and went into Urgent Care. Now we recently moved from New Lisbon (aka Armpit), WI to the civility of Plover. Look Ma! No Amish buggies outside the hospital! So I get in there and here comes "Dr. Bob". He actually looked like Bob Fosse- dead Broadway dude. I am waiting on him to say "TaDaaaaaaaaa!" and do the Double Dream Hands routine. After he pokes in my ears, throat, raps on my forehead (ok OUCH Muthaf****!) he diagnoses me with "Non-Boogery Sinusitis". What? Did he actually say Non Boogery? Mmmhmmm He did. I guess that is a new way of saying I am not blowing snotsies everywhere. Antibiotics and (after a couple of whimpers on my part) some pain meds.

Now I need to take my Non-Boogery Sinusitis to the pharmacy in the hospital. I swear it's in another area code. I have worked up a sweat and a thirst by the time I make it there. Ohhhh and this is a churchy hospital. There are crosses and 'inspirational' things everywhere. "Go to the stained glass window and go left". Just so you know, for future reference or something- stained glass + sunlight = OWWW My EYESSSS!. I finally find the pharmacy and the drugonista is just the sweetest thing ever. I refrained from growling at her. At this time, I spy *drummroll* an Espresso Bar! In the Hospital! All these cookies and energy bars and caffeine - lovely caffeine! "Why Yes Ma'am! I will have a LARGE Turtle Soy Latte with an extra shot of Goddesses Nectar!" Thought of possibly grabbing some granola for my long trek back to the parking garage near the Urgent Care but I am a trooper and I had on hiking flip-flops so all is good.

So moral of story - Non Boogery Sinusitis is now a real medical condition. We will know in 10 days if the antibiotic works. BTW- This medication is also used for bacterial infections (sinus, skin, lung, urinary tract, ear, and throat). It may also be used to treat Lyme disease and gonorrhea. I am headed out to the woods so I can sit on a non -papered toilet seat - I got this covered!

Ass Flavored Coffee

For Gods sake, someone get the coffee beans in order! I can pick up 3 bags of the SAME kind of coffee beans and each bag will taste different. I am currently choking my way throughout the ass flavored beans. I know there is someone in Columbia that is laughing and rubbing their asses on the coffee beans as they pick them. "Reeeech Amedican Preeeecks! Ju chood be buyings our other national gross products!" (That's as good as it gets for an accent via font). First bag was decent: I drank, I pooped, I conquered. 2nd bag wasn't too bad either. Not this one. By the way, adding MORE coffee to the grinder does NOT make it taste better. Now you ave ass flavored MUD! The water is filtered, the pot is clean and it isn't one of those super Bunn's that spews out coffee in less than 12 seconds. It's a REAL coffee maker! ("Real" meaning it cost less than rent on an oceanfront condo in Miami) I am getting ready to write a nastygram to the Eight O' Clock Bean people:

Dear Coffee People-

What gives? Is someone asleep at the selection table? It's bad enough you have already jacked up the price of the 12oz bag over a DOLLAR in the past couple of months but now you feel the need to subject me to ASS? I demand French Roast NOW!

Sincerely - Woman in need of severe Rejavafication

Wonder if that will get results.