Welcome to 47

My last blog stated I was going to get a surprise for my 47th birthday.
The day woke us up with bright and beautiful sunshine pouring thru the windows. Granted, it was later than we had planned. David had wanted to LEAVE the house by 6. Not happening! After coffee and all that morning chick stuff, we left at 845. He still wouldn't tell me where we were headed. Walked outside and it was -3. UGH! But I put on a happy smile as I LOVE adventures!

Now remember I am the person who , as a child, had to peek in not only my own gifts but everyone else also. So an unknown thing like this is a biggy for me! We grabbed some Karuba coffee and I realized - I need a new coffee traveler. Amazing when you hit a point in your life where all you can think of wanting for a gift is a coffee mug!

We hopped on the freeway , headed east. And East we went... forever.... If you know the 90/94 thru this area, you will understand the E/W vs N/S thing. To ME- We are going South, as I figure Madison is south of me. But the freeway says East. So I just figure we are going down-state. 30 miles later, I need coffee and I need to pee. We stop in Poynette. There was this 'person' that I wanted to run up to, grab nether regions and yell Gender Check! I don't know if it was the baggy clothes, the Carrot-Top hair or the bandanna. I tried to get a pic but it kept glaring at me. Hmmmft.


So now we are all caffeined and gassed up and happy! We keep driving, throwing bits n pieces of useless trivia at one another while trying to avoid anything country on the radio. We pass Madison... OK, there went THAT theory! Now we pass the cut off to Milwaukee. I guess Brew-Town is out too! So we continue our trip south (or East!!). I am thinking - Woo hooo Janesville! Now if you have ever been to Janesville- ONE redeeming quality- Fuddruckers! Thank goodness we kept driving....and driving... and driving!


So now I am thinking - hmmmm.... Medieval Times! Wooohoooo Me!! In all my wenchy goodness! We pass it by.... hmmmm But by now I have to pee....again.... age and caffeine do wonders to your body! So David says - OK - we will stop here.... Woodfield Mall. Ever been to Woodfield? It should have its own area code. Growing up in California, I was a total Mall Rat- OMG Totally the Galleria!!!!! This place was HUGE! I mean - BIG! It's somewhat like I knew I had lived in small towns for a long time when I just stood there in awe. I want to wander! But Captain Urinator is still knocking on my bladder. Suddenly, I realize that there are 5 BILLION kids in the mall. All sizes.... EVERYWHERE! Yelling, screaming, flipping hair, texting the person next to them. It's lunch time. They are like wild animals. I am ready to cry. I spot the LEGO store. David is salivating. Told him to hold his drool til after I pee. Peeing in the freezing cold bathroom of a Mc D's with children howling. I come out, grab him and we make a break for the exit before I go into Mommy-mode and slap a few monsters.


We stroll up to the LEGO store. That's NOT Lego's. It's LEGO brand building bricks (don't you feel informed now?) For those that don't know it, David was once the largest LEGO collector in Wisconsin. We venture into the LEGO store and I can honestly say I was completely amazed. I don't know if it was the sets with 5 million pieces or the wall of 10 million pieces (all color coordinated, of course!) that got me! And the hap-Hap-HAPPIEST clerks on Earth! There are LEGO blocks, T Shirts, and just all sorts of things! Including LEGO sheep. Some of you know my buddy Kevin and his 'affection' for sheep. Now if they only made LEGO condoms, his life would be swell!


David decided he 'needed' a couple of figurines. Little LEGO men. Maybe to protect the castles in the office here. Lo and Behold- DIY Little Man area (please note that has nothing to do with sex!!)

As you can tell by his face he was like a little kid.... then sorta man-snarled at me when I asked how many little men he wanted. You can make a customized 3-pack for like 10 bucks. Now everything is all organized...bodies, heads, hats, doodads....until you get the KFH (kid from hell) mixing up all the pieces together. Even the store clerk told the KFH she was making his life alot harder. Kid scampered off with her heavily eyeliner'd and tattooed mama to make someone elses life hell for awhile.

So now we are headed out to somewhere else, and Medieval Times is somewhere behind us on the 290 (shot THAT idea all to hell!) He says - OK hunny, I want to take you downtown! I'm excited! WooHooMe! And then he merged into traffic. HOLY CRAP! For someone who grew up in LA, you would think I could handle a freeway! Not even close! I was clutching the Jeebus-Strap, slamming my eyes shut and praying to God's I didn't even know existed. David lived in Chicago for years so this was nothing new to him! I am now an official small town dork! So when I wasn't squeezing my eyes shut, I did get a couple of giggles on license plates-

The red car... I wonder if her first name is Vah? The 2nd one.... Not even going to ask!!!!

Somewhere out there is the Brookfield Zoo- This I know because there are probably 7 million signs for it. I don't know why, but Zoo's and Winter just don't seem to mix. Smart animals would be hibernating. Smart PEOPLE would be hibernating! So we are taking the tour of David's old stomping grounds and all of a sudden, he pulls into this Brokerage firm parking lot. I'm thinking "He got me stocks?" I looked over in time to see him make 'O' face and say "Nick's is GONE?!?!?!" Well, unless Nick did VERY well in Business, I would say that's a YES! OK, David is super disappointed because he wanted to bring me all the way to Chi-Town for a REAL Chicago hot dog! And if you must know.... I LOVE HOT DOGS!!!! I made all the appropriate chick sounds ("aww hunny, it's OK, it's the thought. etc") So we cruised around the area a bit and Lo and Behold.... HEY VIVS!!!!!!

This is David's Happy Italian Beef Face!

As you can tell by the pics, we just about licked our paper baskets clean!

Stay tuned for part 2

FourtycoughcoughcoughSeven

So here we are, on the eve of my 47th birthday. Yes- I said 47 without stuttering or choking. When did 47 happen? Eh- It's just a number (unclench butt hole).

What are we doing for The Day? I have no clue. David was over there, googling stuff in stealth mode. He says - OK - got it all planned but we need to leave early. Me: How early is EARLY? David: 6am. So - cool. 6am. Now I ask myself... Where the hell would we be going to get up at that hour? I try hints.... you know - chick hints:

• How long a trip?
• Need I bring coffee?
• Will there be coffee on the way? (Sorta sounding like we live in outer Mongolianatazmania)

These hints are getting me nowhere. So I go into UberChick hint mode:

• What type of clothing would be appropriate?
• Comfy or fussy shoes?
• Long or short coat?
• Jeans and a shirt alright?

So now he is just smiling- David: Do you want me to just tell you? Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! (As if I want all the fun to be taken out of the surprise!)

Damn.

Will update after the day is over!

Ode to My Boys

The following are from a couple of years ago. Herman and Phanny were the rockinest cats on Earth. They are dearly missed. This is for you, boys!


Cats... Such fickle 'people'.
Kitty feeding times in my house are - when I get up (which ranges from 5-7 on weekdays and whomever dares to call me on weekends). And its the usual, - half a can each of WalMarts Special Kitty. Mmmm mmmm Turkey and Giblets. They each have pretty bowls, and certain places they have to dine. And now starts the Neurotic Follies (the cats , not me):

Phanny is also known in some circles as Cat Who Licks Gravy. That's his Ho Chunk name. No matter what kind of food you lovingly put into his pretty aqua colored bowl, he only wants to lick the gravy. No food, just a few lick lick licks. Then you get The Look. If you are owned by a cat, you know The Look. The "Look at me me ME! I'm Starving! If I was in a 3rd World country, Brangelina would adopt me!" look. You usually counter with something like 'Aww my Phanny Wanny Phoofinetters baby pumpkin kitty. Come on sweetnums, eat your food." Remembering that you are the only one awake at the time, you kind of glance about to make sure no one was conscious enough to hear you. So with one last sad look, Phanny heads for the dreaded dry food bowl. Your heart is expected to break at the sound of crunching. Kitty induced guilt.

Then we have Herman- Herman is a great cat, a survivor and wears an Afro quite well. Herman is aka Chubby Bunny. He loves to eat. But Herman is also a Man-Diva. The food bowls are set down, and again - to a quiet house, I am announcing "Mama's got nummies". Well, aforementioned cat Phanny was been hanging out and swinging on the cabinet the whole prep time. But Oh No, not Herman. He has been laying in his box, 1 eye open. Mustn't look TOO enthused. Coolness rules. So - as Phanny is lick lick licking, I am sweet talking... Come on Hermies, lets go eat". He sits. I look around in an empty house and do the Limo Ride. Pick up the cat, hold him to my shoulder and take him to the food. In the short walk that it is, I am pierced with at least 7 razor sharp talons into my soft collarbone area. So putting Herman down requires me to get into a nearly squatting position so I don't lose vital organs. OK, now this scenario can go 2 ways. We can have the happy grateful hungry cat that eats all his food. Or we can go back to Man-Diva. The Man-Diva side of Herman sniffs the food, and walks back into the other room, and parks near the television. The pitiful 'Ohhhhh Puh-LEEZE! You expect me to eat over THERE?" look is truly pathetic. By now, Phanny is eye-balling Herman's gravy and I have to pick up the bowl. While said bowl is in hand, I glance about and make sure no one is awake. And YES! I take the bowl TO the CAT. Oooh look at the happy kitty! He eats ALL his food! What a good baby. He even looks at Phanny and the dry food bowl with a look on his face that says "Just wait til you take your first nap buddy! Your wet food is mine".

OK, the best part of this story? It happens every morning BEFORE I even turn on the coffee maker!





Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:
Day 683 of my captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now...

Mythbusters Cat

It has come to my attention that our Selkirk Rex- Glenda- bears a striking resemblance to Jamie Hyneman from Mythbusters.....

Thanks Xach!

Winter: Angeleno-Style

515am and there I was... in plaid flannel sleepy pants, and a big red parka. Add some brown Nanook boots and you get the picture- Winter in Wisconsin. Armed with a broom and an attitude, I venture outside. I need to clean off a vehicle since David has to be at work at 6ish today. He has been working 12 hour days so this is the least I can do....right? Oh no more snuggling under the flannel sheets, electric blankie and down comforter for ME! Up and at em, I tell ya!
You remember how people always used the term 'snowblind' and you had a blank look on your face? This actually exists...especially when the howling wind is blowing it in your face. Hell with caffeine! Nothing like THIS wake up call. There is an eerie silence when you realize you are probably the only person NOT in the house job searching for Florida at this hour. It's probably just the snow demons gathering up more crap to toss down on us.

So there I go, trekking on out there. Navigate the steps that are covered in an icy glaze. Step into the snow, lose site of my right foot. Searching thru about 700 keys on his keybob (which will bring us to a whole other issue- men and the multi-keys WTF?). Finally find key. Get the truck door open and start up all the defrosty mechanisms.

Now here is the fun part... I am all of 5ft 2. The top of the Explorer is roughly a foot taller than me. I have the kitchen broom. I also have a lot of snow. So I start sweeping snow. My face is frozen as the snow is blowing back at me. You ever try to move a fridge with a broom? This is what its like. Light and fluffy, my butt. Like sweeping concrete blocks. The windshield wipers are working against me, I can't seem to get in sync with them. SweepSwooshSHIT! The red vehicle is now starting to look like a lightly powdered donut.

So I am thinking - What the hey (yadderhey not in vocab), I will clean off the OTHER car while I am out here! Had the sense to back into the driveway last night. So.. toodling over to the Buick, I have a momentary lapse of brain wave activity.... Stepped in a drift that came up to my knees. Just so you know - whispering "&^*((^$% SNOW" DOES carry in the early morning silence. Scared the hell out of myself. A few half-hearted sweeps of the broom and thought "OK, I'm SO done".

Leaving icy puddles behind me, I come back in the house. David: What were you doing honey? Me: (point down to snow encrusted legs) Cleaning the truck for you! David: Ohhh you didn't have to do that - I just turn on the wipers! Me: .....oh...... At least I am awake.

So now the next time my family that live behind the Orange Curtain decide to kvetch about being 'cold' in 60 degree weather, I will make sure I send them this. Don't get too sunburned out there!

The Noobee!

So it has been decided within my mind - I should BLOG!

Currently

• I Twitter
• I Myspace
• I Facebook
• I can IM with the best of them.

Why not blog?

So the other side of me says - Uhmmm no Carrie.... There are blogs everywhere. Overly anally political ones that you just SAY you read.... others that you won't read because, face it, the person is boring. Some you read and think to yourself "I thought they outlawed drugs like that!"

So after slapping both the little dudettes on my shoulders, I decided - This is it. I am going to do this.
Now the question begs to be asked....
WHY?
Well, you are in the right place as I will tell you.
Today I had the chance to talk to someone from over 25 yrs ago. This person didn't realize that he would become my pocket mentor. After today, I wanted to write again... Again, you ask? Surely she jests... No- no jesting here.

Where this will go - no clue. Why it will head there- still no clue. So either sit back and enjoy it or skip over to someone else!

LuvYaMeanIt

Fluff